Homemaker Spy Log

I dreamt about Hayley last night.  I remember that she had stolen from a hotel and we were kicked out of room 1025.  I don't know what she stole.  I don't know what hotel it was.  I remember crying to a man that I felt like a pariah. Pariah. I feel like a pariah because my daughter is a heroin addict I feel like a pariah because I chose not to raise my granddaughter I feel like a pariah because I've never met my granddaughter I feel like a pariah because I cannot love my daughter enough to fix her I knew she was going to be in trouble long before she understood what drugs were. Long before I understood what an addict was.  She had sneaked out of the house, a ground floor apartment, by removing the screen to her window and crawling out into the darkness.  She may have been 10 years old.  By the time she was in 9th grade high school I knew she was doomed. I play the "would have, should have, could have" game all of the time.  I would ...

OKAY, that's not even a question. I feel an almost immeasurable certainty that the majority of women retain a vast amount of not only fear but actual loathing when it comes to bra shopping. While I cannot speak for all women I know that many of us dread this chore for a myriad of reasons but specifically because of this phrase: it's been discontinued. That phrase is enough to strike unequivocal grief into any woman. Why? Because of the toil and work that went into finding a particular bra. If I had boobs that fit into cute little Victoria Secret bras it wouldn't be that much of an issue. Unfortunately God blessed me in that department and whilst my husband is extremely appreciative of the original factor installs I possess, when it comes to buying a new bra I am not so appreciative. In recent years bra manufacturers have also decided that girls with a blessed chest also need a padded bra. I'm sorry, explain to me, in complete sentences, using words with no more than tw...

This has been on my mind a lot.  No, I'm not addicted; never used it, never will.  But things are a little different when you are living with the fact that you have a child who is addicted to .....heroin. All the talk in the world about don't do drugs didn't make a difference.  The DARE program didn't make a difference.  As a parent I feel like a complete and total failure, I did not make a difference. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that, for lack of a better terminology, I have a good daughter and a bad daughter. I live every day wondering, as I'm sure so many parents in my shoes do, "Is this they day I get the call? or, the knock on the door?"  Is this the day I find out if Hayley is dead? It has been over five years of manipulation, lies, stealing, police calls, social service intervention, school interventions.   When she first left home I prayed nothing would happen until she was over 18.  Thankfully, nothing did that I know abo...

      I haven't written about dad's actual death yet, it still hurts too much and I fear the tears would never stop.      Over the last few months mom has gone on a spree, giving away and donating things they've collected over the 50 plus years of marriage.  I don't think she realized just how much 'stuff' they had.        Dad was a picture taker.  It seems like he was always getting his camera out.  Growing up it seems that he was always taking the same group picture, the same photo of a family dinner, the same photo of holidays.  The same faces, the same Christmas tree, the same Thanksgiving table.  What I didn't realize until after he was gone and mom started going through boxes upon boxes of these pictures was that he was documenting the history of our family.  Our lives.        My throat gets tight and my eyes well with tears thinking about how our...

     Tonight was dinner alone night.  Hubby had a late meeting which actually ran later than he'd anticipated.  Well, with two dogs and two cats one is never really alone but I digress.  He missed out on a fabulous dinner: baked potato ( if you're Dan Quail that would be 'potatoe', and most of you are likely to young to get that), salad, and a rather nicely done steak.  By nicely done I mean pink in the middle.  After 49 years I believe I've finally discovered the trick to cooking a nice steak on the cook top.  Please let me know if you'd like to know the trick.  I'd rather share it with you than let you spend 49 years trying to figure it out.      I though about single people eating dinner alone which turned my thoughts to my mom.  I dislike the thought of her eating alone every night.  I wonder if she actually eats, alone or otherwise. Loneliness is just this great big well that sucks you down. ...

The bridal shower was on Saturday so I decided to spend Friday night with Mom and then we could drive down together, saving me tons of driving on Saturday. Mom and I had decided to make my brother of photo album for his birthday.  I often tease Mark that every picture of him seems to have a plane, train, tank, or boat in the background.  When I got to Mom's house Friday afternoon I sat down to go through years and years of pictures for his album. Along the way I pulled out years and years of pictures of him along with Taylor and Hayley.  Many hours of reminiscing later, I had more than enough pictures of Mark to fill several albums and covering many decades. Taking a break Mom and I had dinner at Mike O'Shays.  She told me she was thinking about selling the house and moving into a senior living community (which I think she should).  I can see how incredibly lost she is and can't seem to get herself together.  I would think that's pretty normal only 3 ...

"In one sense there is no death. The life of a soul on earth lasts beyond departure. You will always feel that life touching yours, that voice speaking to you. He/She lives on in your life and in the lives of all others that knew him/her."      - Angelo Patri      Visiting with mom and dad yesterday.  I ran over to the DMV for mom to pick up her tags for her car.  I was pleasantly surprised they didn't hassle me about it and that it only took about 15 minutes.  Longmont still has many 'small town' qualities about it that I miss.      Dad is having more dizzy spells with are more severe and lasting longer.  He dropped a glass of water that I managed to catch.  He passed out several times during lunch as well.        Taylor called while mom was making lunch and she and I chatted for a while and then she talked with dad - who of course made out like 'except for the dizzy spell...

 I was outside earlier today and noticed a good two dozen robins twittering about. This was rather strange as two days ago it barely got above freezing. Helping my mom out with dad, or, basically just being company and letting her get out of the house so she doesn't go stir crazy reminded me of when the girls were little.   While I was many states away when I had my first child, I remember clearly what a difference it made for me to have my parents in my life and after the birth of my second child how much it helped me on the days mom came over to 'not be alone'.   I felt that distinctly a few days ago.  I wondered if mom felt the same way.  Does it help to not be alone? I can't imagine how many things she has to deal with on a 'today' basis as well as the 'after' basis.  I had asked her to mail something for me (since post boxes seem semi-nonexistent where I live).  She noticed my return address labels and really liked them....

It's amazing how something so simple becomes universally complicated when it involves HR. Example: me wanting to request a leave of absence from work to help my parents out while dad is in his final stages of life. Complication: HR rep telling me this doesn't qualify for FMLA and insinuating I may not have a job if I continue to take time off. Not only did HR person not answer my questions, she then told me I should call our mental health hotline.  Uhm, excuse me?  First off, your degree is in PHOTOgraphy, not PSYCHOlogy.  Second, read FMLA.  I've read it several times and assisting in the care of an ailing parent is listed.  No, you don't get to count my mother as she is in her mid seventies, but thanks for asking. I then called my touch stone, Lester Lou, and cried yet again on her shoulders.  Decided that I should let my direct supervisor know.  Made that call only to receive yet another dig about it being start week, but they're handling it. ...

My dad, Christmas I think, about 2 years ago. It's funny, they say when people are dying that their life flashes before their eyes. What no one seems to talk about is the fact that when someone is dying - the people being left behind often experience something similar. I can't quite recall when dad was diagnosed with congestive heart failure, but I believe it was around 2004.  I can honestly say that I, up until April 2012, really ignored it, sticking my head in the sand, much like an ostrich.  If I didn't acknowledge it, it didn't exist, right? Unfortunately it does exist and dad is already two months past his 'six months' to live. He has been a trouper, a fighter, never quitting and never giving up.  Even as his body is shutting down, in his mind "as soon as his knee feels better" he can go get a hair cut.  Dad is pretty well bed ridden having dizzy spells many times a day.  His hands are cool to the touch often, and his feet have begun...

Having a parent with end stage (insert disease here) is crushing. Eight months ago Dad was given six months to live, you do the math.  His heart is failing, his valves leaking.  He has been having dizzy spells for about five days now and has passed out twice.  The hospice doctors and nurses have told him to stay in bed. Talking to him today was gut wrenching. He went through a period after receiving his 'six months' where he wouldn't even say "I love you". That changed and he started saying it again.  Today was different.  Today he said I love you, and followed it by "I love you very much, Carol".  Was that 'good-bye'? I can't stop crying.  

2012 has been a year of tremendous ups and downs.        The ups have included many get together s with old friends who have become new friends all over again.  It would have been a much harder year without the support and love of so many of you: Allison, Jonna, Colleen, Katrina, Robert, Mark, Kerry, Lori and so many others.  Your undying love and support have been without equal.       Through all the trials and tribulations I have endured with my daughters, my parents, myself and life in general it goes to show you that it does take a village some days just to get through a given day.      While both of my children are intent on sharing their displeasure of me, with me, I have finally come to understand that I raised them to be who they are, even if I don't care for it from time to time.  They must live their lives (with or without me) for now and hopefully one day they will realize that mom...

A huge weight has lifted from my shoulders, at least for the next 30 days. Teenager is in Missouri visiting her dad and his family. 30 days of not having to worry about whether or not she's pregnant, sneaking out of the house, or doing drugs. 30 days of not hearing "what's for dinner" the second I walk in the door from work. 30 days of not finding dishes all over the house from late night/early morning snacks. I hope she has fun. I hope she stays safe. I hope she calls and says: I want to live with dad. He deserves a turn. Love, me

Found out that brother in law has invited everyone to his 'new' home in VA for Thanksgiving. Thank you, no. Why would I want to spend the time/money to visit someone who couldn't come to our wedding? In other news, might be going to Las Vegas the week after Thanksgiving. While it's doubtful it would be warm enough to spend hours by the pool and soaking up the sun, it would be a pretty cheap getaway.

I finally did it. I started college, again. The first time around I’m not even sure what I thought I was going to do, study, or be when I grew up. Since I’ve worked in a college environment for so many years and spent most of my days encouraging people that going back to school was the way to go I found myself becoming such a complete hypocrite. Why wouldn’t I go back to school when I really didn’t have to pay for it? When I think about this it makes me feel like I’m just learning to swim. I remember when I was really young and I and my brothers had swimming lessons during the summer. I recall that terrifying feeling of having to jump into the 12 foot pool. Even know it makes me breathe faster and makes my heart pound faster. The first class I took was ASP100 – Skills for Success. In one way I thought this was going to be a cake walk. I’m 46 years old. What could possibly be challenging about this class? What was I going to gain from this class? Open mouth, insert foot. Th...

Jew must read siss wiss zee Russian Accent: Ok, so I'm listening to Alice this morning and they are talking about Mother's Day and children who actually call their mother's once a week. So in my mind I'm thinking 'oh, maybe my children will do something nice for me for Mother's day'..........ok, so I'm delusional. I know I know, I'm heaping zee guilt on hard, and I am. Why you no call me? Oh yes, because zee Nate need you to go watch zee baseball game and you enjoy this soooooooooo much. I only heep zee guilt on you since you I miss so much.

This is Romeo, beloved kitty of Warren. Yesterday Warren IM'd me to tell me he was ready to put the old man down. Romeo had been ill with Kidney failure for about two years. He'd stopped eating and drinking the last few days. Well, I called the vet and made the appointment. It was a hugely emotional day for all of us, especially Warren. He'd had Romeo for 16 years. They'd seen a lot together. We went to the vets. They had a nice room for us with it's own outside exit. That was nice because we could leave straight out of that room and not see anyone. I'd never witnessed this before so I was really sort of shocked at how quickly it was done. Warren held him the entire time. I guess I expected they would take him away to do it. We will miss you old man. I kind of wonder why we don't do something like this for humans. It seems much more humane that the suffering we go through to get to the end.

Ok, so sounds like Hayley now has either bronchitis or pnuemonia.............along with her Mono. Dad is taking her to the doctor this afternoon so we should know something by dinner time. So, after the gall bladder/appendix in September, the portal vein thrombosis in October, the shots, the doctor visits, back to the hospital in December, thought we were getting better in January, got the Mono in February, and now maybe Bronchitis in March.........holy smokes. Wonder if she's even going to make it through 8th grade? Wonder.

Outside of the time I spent with Kerry last night, I'm pretty sure my weekend completely tanked. We were suppose to go to watch the Arsenal v Man U match at the pub on Saturday . Now, Mr. American Football didn't believe we should get there early. He still hasn't figured out that there are more supporters for real Footy in the world then his stupid Broncos. Sigh. the pub opened at 8. We got there about 945 am and needless (to those of us who have a clue) it was packed. Standing room only, folks. So there is no place at the bar or to sit. So, Mr. AF says to me: you don't want to stand here for 3 hours which in reality, translates to: He didn't want to stand there for 3 hours. Nice. Thanks a lot. So I turned around and walked out. We get back in the car and he says: do you want to find somewhere else to go? Yeah Mr. Brilliant - home so I don't miss the match. Could he have possibly driven any slower? So we make it home and I see the match, but I'm pi...

So a co-worker who shares her office with me got engaged about a month after I did. She's been with this guy for a few years and he's bi-polar. He treats her not so good. Emotional abuse, if you will. Her biological clock has been ticking pretty hard, she's 35, and all of her friends have gotten married and are having kids. Not a good reason to marry someone, but hey, it's okay for her first marriage. The planning is taking place and although her parents have given her 10k for this event I can see the budget is blown clean out of the water. She's getting married at Redrocks and then we all get to drive all the f**king way BACK to downtown so that we can go to the reception at the Phipps Mansion. I keep telling her she can save money by not inviting us to the wedding. So far, it's not washing. The deposit alone for the reception site is $3800 - you do the math. She is going insane with the planning because she feels that she has to impress everyone on beha...