Skip to main content

TO BLAME OR NOT TO BLAME, THAT IS THE QUESTION





This has been on my mind a lot.  No, I'm not addicted; never used it, never will.  But things are a little different when you are living with the fact that you have a child who is addicted to .....heroin.

All the talk in the world about don't do drugs didn't make a difference.  The DARE program didn't make a difference.  As a parent I feel like a complete and total failure, I did not make a difference.

I cannot wrap my head around the fact that, for lack of a better terminology, I have a good daughter and a bad daughter.

I live every day wondering, as I'm sure so many parents in my shoes do, "Is this they day I get the call? or, the knock on the door?"  Is this the day I find out if Hayley is dead?

It has been over five years of manipulation, lies, stealing, police calls, social service intervention, school interventions.   When she first left home I prayed nothing would happen until she was over 18.  Thankfully, nothing did that I know about.  About a two weeks ago something did happen.  She wrecked a car (no license or insurance), left the scene of a crime and likely driving under the influence.  Apparently she spent the night in jail but unfortunately the judge let her go with no bail.  Her return date with the judge is in a few weeks.

I know, even though she claims to be passing her UA's, etc., that she is still using.  She called begging for $20 because she had to do a test that day by 6pm.  I think I decided to give her the money just so I could clear my conscience that I did 'something' to help her and also just to see her - that she was at least alive.  She was alive but as the saying goes "the lights were on but no one was home".  Now, the reason I know she is still using is because the next day she was blowing up all of our phones to get me to talk to Tyler and tell him I gave her XX dollars instead of the $20 I truly gave her.  What this means in drama speak is that she stole $40 from Tyler and wanted me to cover her butt. 

I did not call her back.  For all I know right now he either beat the crap out of her, killed her, or she's on the streets.

I try very hard to keep the drama ----------------------->over there. 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Monday, Monday

This was Valentine's weekend and we really did have a lovely Day. We had some time a lone and spent a lovely dinner at our favorite place: Panzano's. The food was delicious, the wine wonderful, and the people watching spectacular. Warren really seemed to love the watch I gave him and I think was really touched that I 'took him' out for dinner. He gave me a gorgeous necklace and we broached the subject of 'forever' without actually saying anything. I love how we dance around that subject without coming to a conclusion, however, I think it's just a matter of time. Missy continues to make strides (and not jsut walking my ass off). She has gotten into this thing about not coming out of the bedroom for other people. However, this morning as I was trying to get her ready for her walk she just jumped off of the sofa. Twice. I think in her excitement to go she forgot about the devil incarnate (better known as Lucy, the cat). We have taken to keeping Lucy in ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Dinner Alone

     Tonight was dinner alone night.  Hubby had a late meeting which actually ran later than he'd anticipated.  Well, with two dogs and two cats one is never really alone but I digress.  He missed out on a fabulous dinner: baked potato ( if you're Dan Quail that would be 'potatoe', and most of you are likely to young to get that), salad, and a rather nicely done steak.  By nicely done I mean pink in the middle.  After 49 years I believe I've finally discovered the trick to cooking a nice steak on the cook top.  Please let me know if you'd like to know the trick.  I'd rather share it with you than let you spend 49 years trying to figure it out.      I though about single people eating dinner alone which turned my thoughts to my mom.  I dislike the thought of her eating alone every night.  I wonder if she actually eats, alone or otherwise. Loneliness is just this great big well that sucks you down. ...
Post a Comment
Read more

PARIAH

I dreamt about Hayley last night.  I remember that she had stolen from a hotel and we were kicked out of room 1025.  I don't know what she stole.  I don't know what hotel it was.  I remember crying to a man that I felt like a pariah. Pariah. I feel like a pariah because my daughter is a heroin addict I feel like a pariah because I chose not to raise my granddaughter I feel like a pariah because I've never met my granddaughter I feel like a pariah because I cannot love my daughter enough to fix her I knew she was going to be in trouble long before she understood what drugs were. Long before I understood what an addict was.  She had sneaked out of the house, a ground floor apartment, by removing the screen to her window and crawling out into the darkness.  She may have been 10 years old.  By the time she was in 9th grade high school I knew she was doomed. I play the "would have, should have, could have" game all of the time.  I would ...
Post a Comment
Read more