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TO BLAME OR NOT TO BLAME, THAT IS THE QUESTION





This has been on my mind a lot.  No, I'm not addicted; never used it, never will.  But things are a little different when you are living with the fact that you have a child who is addicted to .....heroin.

All the talk in the world about don't do drugs didn't make a difference.  The DARE program didn't make a difference.  As a parent I feel like a complete and total failure, I did not make a difference.

I cannot wrap my head around the fact that, for lack of a better terminology, I have a good daughter and a bad daughter.

I live every day wondering, as I'm sure so many parents in my shoes do, "Is this they day I get the call? or, the knock on the door?"  Is this the day I find out if Hayley is dead?

It has been over five years of manipulation, lies, stealing, police calls, social service intervention, school interventions.   When she first left home I prayed nothing would happen until she was over 18.  Thankfully, nothing did that I know about.  About a two weeks ago something did happen.  She wrecked a car (no license or insurance), left the scene of a crime and likely driving under the influence.  Apparently she spent the night in jail but unfortunately the judge let her go with no bail.  Her return date with the judge is in a few weeks.

I know, even though she claims to be passing her UA's, etc., that she is still using.  She called begging for $20 because she had to do a test that day by 6pm.  I think I decided to give her the money just so I could clear my conscience that I did 'something' to help her and also just to see her - that she was at least alive.  She was alive but as the saying goes "the lights were on but no one was home".  Now, the reason I know she is still using is because the next day she was blowing up all of our phones to get me to talk to Tyler and tell him I gave her XX dollars instead of the $20 I truly gave her.  What this means in drama speak is that she stole $40 from Tyler and wanted me to cover her butt. 

I did not call her back.  For all I know right now he either beat the crap out of her, killed her, or she's on the streets.

I try very hard to keep the drama ----------------------->over there. 


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